Music:All I Want For Christmas Is You-- Mariah Carey
why am i always sad/depressed? why can't i be happy? it just seems that lately, i've ONLY been sad. tonight, i went to return movies, & then i drove around a bit b/c i was sad. all i wanted to do today was cry. i'm so pissed, so upset, so sad, & most of all, so CONFUSED!! i feel guilty so easily. i shouldn't. if something should happen w/someone i should be HAPPY about it & not feel guilty, right? well, i don't! i don't know what i want... no i do... i'm just afraid it's going to be the wrong decision. my life is based off of wrong decisions. i want something to happen w/someone, but i just KNOW it's not going to. but i also want something to happen with someone ELSE... although, i don't think i'm even going to get to MEET this guy. i haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks, & i sent him a message the other day telling him to call me. he has yet to respond... & i KNOW he got the message. i want to call him, but then again i don't. i'm getting the feeling he doesn't want anything to do with me... like every OTHER guy in the world. why does this ALWAYS fucking happen to me!?!? it's like, i'm SOOOOOO close... & then BAM! it's gone! i don't talk to the guy ever again... b/c he turns out to be a big ol' fucking DOUCHEBAG!! UGH! i guess i'm just destined to die alone... not just die... just BE alone PERIOD... never get married, never have kids, never have a family, never be happy... i know i know... "i just haven't found the right person yet" "there's someone out there for everyone" blah blah blah... ya know, going 19 years w/o being kissed, w/o being held in someone's arms, w/o being... loved... it kinda starts to get ya down after a while. and now to make matters worse, i'm fat. i used to be so skinny! why can't i look like i did 2 years ago? i know 1 of the reasons is b/c i drink. & i KNOW i'm not gonna stop drinking... or even limit myself. i just have to run/workout more often. my only problem is i don't have a place to go that's close or free... so that makes it THAT much harder to motivate myself. ugh! i'm tired of being a girl! i'm tired of letting guys get me down! for like 2 days, i was ACTUALLY happy about myself... for the VERY first time. what happened to that?!? oh i know, being rejected by SO many people... THAT'S what happened! UGH!! ok, i'm done ranting... i'm leaving b/c i don't feel like being here anymore. i feel like going upstairs & crying. goodnight.